97. HELEN

Helen, Georgia

12/19/2011

Twenty minutes from Dahlonega is another gold-dried town and the polar opposite. This city of 500 people unashamedly panders to tourists in an outrageously tacky way. Yet, somehow it works. It really shouldn’t, but it does.

In 1969 the citizens of this dying town decided to completely rebuild their community to resemble a nineteenth-century Bavarian village. Strict zoning codes force even powerful franchises to comply. (One of the most ornate buildings in town is the Huddle House.) As we pulled into town we were faced with a perfectly manicured gingerbread house village – the fact it was only a few days before Christmas only amplified the illusion.

The people at the visitor’s center were very friendly, but they said they couldn’t recommend anywhere specific for dinner because we might be mystery shoppers. Little did they know that all both of our readers base their dining decisions on this blog.

Keeping in line with the shtick we thought a German restaurant would be apropos… I mean, angemessen. There were only two that serve dinner, and we randomly picked the Old Heidelberg – a real disappointment. (Patricia gives no dining suggestions, so we can’t blame her.) We got a sampler of their sausages which were all clearly frozen and reheated. And there was no doubt that Bratwurst was a grocery store hotdog. The German noodles were prepackaged and inconsistently cooked. The icing on the strudel was the bathroom. The men’s room floor was so sticky I had trouble walking on it. The door facing into the dining area wouldn’t close all the way, while the “door” in the actual stall was a piece of unfinished wood quickly hobbled together to replace the original. It didn’t quite fit and was latched by a makeshift metal hook.

Restaurants like this probably survive because they rely on ignorant tourists who make the same uneducated assumption we did – a town modeled after a German village would have great German food. The dissatisfied tourist moves on, but a new one replaces him and makes the same mistake. The restaurant continues on with no need to build up a good reputation with locals. A shame really, and the only dark spot on an excellent evening.

We spent the rest of the night wandering the cobbled streets, peeking in plenty of fudge hauses (How do they compete with each other? Who cares! More free samples!), and little shops pushing vaguely-German kitsch made in China. The best places were the craftsman shops where men were carving wooden toys and blew glass as we watched. The kids were hypnotized by the latter.

Is this place tacky? Yes. Thinking back rationally and rereading what I’m writing it sounds like a terrible place on paper. Yet Laura and I both agree (and we rarely do) that this is one of the best places we’ve ever visited. It shouldn’t be, but it is.