87. THE LAND OF COLONEL SANDERS

London, Kentucky

9/24/2011

Ok, Patricia. Laura and I voted and we don’t think you really came here. This is one of your most whacked-out entries. Even though the entry is entitled “The Land of Colonel Sanders” the content is all about the World Chicken Festival which you make sound ludicrously awesome. Even Laura was excited about going here because it wasn’t a Civil War battlefield for once. The whole idea is that since Colonel Sanders started Kentucky Fried Chicken sort of close by a festival to all things wonderful about the chicken would be apropos. Except that isn’t what it is at all. It’s one blocked off street with all your typical temporary tattoo dream catcher garbage. The only things chicken-related are the world’s largest skillet (which looks more unimpressive than it even sounds) and a guy walking around dressed like Colonel Sanders. A major disappointment. Someone with the slightest imagination could turn this into the kooky event that was promised. I always try to find something good to say about everywhere we go, but this was a complete waste of time.

Before we headed home we tried to salvage things a little bit by driving over to nearby Corbin, the location of the original and still operating Kentucky Fried Chicken. Basically, it’s a Kentucky Fried Chicken like any other, but with a nice and simple museum inside. Bizarrely, this was more interesting than the festival. The food was just like every other Kentucky Fried Chicken, except now that I think about it all the other Kentucky Fried Chickens are really like this one. I think I just blew my fast-food fuelled brain. I was on “don’t let the bad men steal our children” duty, so Laura ordered the food and she says the service was really bad – so somewhere the Colonel is crying extra crispy tears.

After our arteries were sufficiently clogged I took Daniel and Philip to look at the museum, while Laura fed Kathleen. Colonel Sanders’ original kitchen still stands and is protected by Plexiglas – a substance Daniel and Philip thought was for banging on as loudly as possible. Philip also managed to stick his hand in between two slats of glass in an attempt to grab a display. I stopped him just in time to see Daniel run off towards a set of antique coffee cups. I stopped him too, but he later managed to open another display case of artifacts. Rather than killing our children at a historic landmark we decided now was the best time to leave. Once outside Daniel picked up a stone and threw it at the window! He missed. Despite our best efforts, the original Kentucky Fried Chicken still stands for future generations to enjoy.

From Laura: The festival was an epic failure.  I was prepared to be entertained, but was not.  Apparently all the ‘good stuff’ took place on Friday [like who would take a day off to attend this thing?], so we got to see the endless booths filled with ugly purses, clothes made in China, cheap jewelry, fair food, insurance/bank/health care recruiters and don’t forget the freshly squeezed lemonade!!  That was about it.  There wasn’t much Kentucky flavor there, either.  Everyone seemed pretty uncaring about the place, if you ask me.  And the skillet?  FYI, it doesn’t look like a skillet.  It was more like a swimming pool full of bubbling oil.  They could have at least put a handle on it.

I actually enjoyed the KFC museum more than the festival, and I think it was because the museum also had a restaurant.  But now that I think about it, I am more than a little irritated that we drove a total of 8 hours to eat at a KFC, while there is one about a block from our house.   Anyway, I would give the service about a C.  You think it would have been better with all the tourists who visit that place.  Because we did not get our biscuits that came with the meal [mistake #1], I had to stand in line for another 20 minutes [mistake #2].  Can I mention that this is supposed to be fast food?  Once I finally got to the front counter, the teenage girls, combined with the I-hate-my-life-because-I-work-here attitude and the seven layers of makeup, decided to completely ignore my presence at the counter [mistake #3].  After another five minutes of standing there, a girl from the back finally came up and asked me what I needed.  They seemed startled when I screamed at them.  Hey, I used to work fast food so I have sympathy for drones, but I can’t just go back there and get the biscuits myself.  Oh well.   Let’s get back in the car and listen to Elmo for another four hours.

86. CUMBERLAND GAP & DANIEL BOONE COUNTRY

Kentucky

9/24/2011

Right outside of London is the massively huge Daniel Boone National Forest. You have to pass through it to get there, so I was able to trick Laura to get off the highway so we could take the more scenic route through the forest. She was on to me and wouldn’t stop to look at the trees since we could see the trees from inside the car. I kept begging and eventually she stopped and took my picture so I would stop crying. “Look at the monkey and move on!” she yelled. “I’ve seen trees before.”

From Laura: I know what trees look like.    Not that I don’t like forests, but they all look alike with the same trees, water, hills, leaves, dirt and bugs or some variation of the twelve. We can appreciate the scenery from inside the car.   And why do we need to take a picture of the trees?  No one will know if we go in our backyard, take a picture of some trees, and claim they were from this forest.  Let’s do that.  You are driving me insane!!  I am not stopping for a tree.  I want to go the festival now, because I am hungry!!!

RETURN TRIP - BEREA

Berea, Kentucky
 
9/24/2011
 

This week marked my 30^th birthday, and like all people who feel their youth flitting away there is only one solution – go the World Chicken Festival in London, Kentucky.

It’s a four-hour trip from Columbus, so we couldn’t make it all the way without stopping due to Kathleen’s feeding schedule. When it was time for her bottle we pulled off the highway and found we were in Berea – which we had visited last year. We thought we were just stopping at a boring old rest stop, but it was actually the Patricia-recommended Kentucky Artisan Center. Some sort of Super-Schultzian force must have led us here. It’s filled with artsy displays, because we were in Berea and Bereans like to get their art on. 

From Laura: This was a nice place to take a break.  I rate a food place by the level of care and attention that they give to pregnant ladies and babies. I also rate these places by the comfort of their chairs.  These people were exceptionally nice to give me a cup of hot water and the benches were really comfortable with lots of natural light.  I really had to use the restroom, but by the time Kathleen had finished about 10,000 women showed up and headed straight for the bathroom.  Why do women need an hour and a half to powder their noses, while men take approximately 2.5 seconds?

85. LEXINGTON

Lexington, Virginia

9/4/2011

Lexington, Virginia is the site of the Virginia Military Institute – sometimes referred to as the “West Point of the South.” Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee are among the famous instructors in a pedigree that stretches back to the Revolutionary era.

The architecture of the campus is very unique. The whole place is obviously designed to invoke a fortress, which is fitting. The school doesn’t seem to be a big tourist destination – bear in mind, it’s an active college – so we felt like we got to be vicarious about cadet life. Uniformed cadets were going to and fro to their duties. I gave Laura dispensation to stare with her tongue hanging out for our entire visit.

There is a VMI museum on campus that is free to the public, with a healthy dose of Stonewall Jackson memorabilia. The claim to fame is Jackson’s horse, stuffed and crammed into a glass case. Daniel was impressed by this.

(We couldn’t escape from Stonewall Jackson on this trip - from the site of where he got his nickname, the site of his death, his mother's house, etc. -  so I wrote a song to entertain my fellow passengers, to the tune of Frère Jacques. It goes something like this:

Stonewall Jackson!
Stonewall Jackson!
You are great!
You are great!
Everybody loves you!
Everybody loves you!
Let’s stuff your horse!
Stuff your horse!)

All in all, the VMI was a nice way to end our trip. As always, we much prefer these non-touristy spots that highlight a part of American life we might not experience on our own. How can you get to know America without meeting the American soldier?

From Laura: Yes, I think that any man--no matter how ugly or old-- is positively handsome in a military uniform. Yes my tongue was definitely hanging out.  You know, I was just appreciating the view.  Anyway, I liked the fortress look.  And the song?  It was entertaining for about 5.2 seconds.

84. STAUNTON

Staunton, Virginia

9/4/2011

Staunton, Virginia is pronounced STAN-ton. Our GPS knows this, yet it can’t pronounce Chicago correctly. It doesn’t know Staunton too well though, since it tried to drive us down one of those great country roads that just suddenly ends in overgrown vegetation. Daniel found it exciting as Mommy tried to back-up out of this non-road without running into out of control tree branches and back to society.

We went to Mass at St. Francis of Assisi, which gave us a chance to take a peek at the historic district of town. The priest there seemed like a funny guy, which helped us try to ignore the sweltering heat. (What do you expect in a hundred and twenty year old building?) We sat in the cry room and every few minutes teenagers and old ladies would try to come in, would look annoyed that we were in there, and then scurry back downstairs.

After Mass we headed to the Woodrow Wilson Birthplace, Museum and Library. Both Laura and I agreed on this one: what a rip-off! It costs $14 a person ($12 with AAA) for a 35-minute tour of the birthplace, which consists of two rooms and the kitchen in the basement. While there we discovered that Wilson’s parents only lived in the house for about two years and Wilson himself until he was 15-months old. Although we appreciate that Wilson was born there, his connection to the house was so slight it seemed a bit pricey for the pleasure of seeing it. We thought we’d be vindicated by the library. What we got was a mall room with a small selection of recent books about Wilson and things like those “all the presidents” tablemats.

We don’t want to be overly negative, since we know these places need to charge money for the upkeep of these historic sites. However, in this case, we feel like a large amount of advantage has been taken of Staunton’s brief connection to one of the most famous American presidents.

From Laura: Okay, I would like a minute to rant about this place.  I spent $24.00 to view a house [oh just the first floor] in which Woodrow Wilson spent the first 15 MONTHS of his life, and see a library full of expensive books about Woodrow Wilson, that I can buy on ebay for $2.37.  I remember nothing about him, so I was fully prepared to receive a homily on the great Woodrow Wilson.  Instead, I learned about his parents, grandparents, and their chinaware.  Although, now that I think about it, I did like the pattern on the plates.  And the fake food looked pretty yummy.  Maybe I was just hungry for McDonalds. All the children behaved well during the tour, with the exception of Daniel trying to sit in one of the antique chairs. Oh, and why did he think the name Woodrow Wilson sound more important than Thomas Woodrow Wilson?

83. FREDERICKSBURG

Fredericksburg, Virginia

9/3/2011

About 45 minutes from Manassas is Fredericksburg, a jumping off point for four of the most brutal battles in the Civil War. We stopped at the Battle of Fredericksburg & Spotsylvania State Park, which has a nice walking tour along the Sunken Road (a natural defense associated with the imagery of the Battle of Fredericksburg.) For some reason, I liked this a lot. While Manassas was just a flat field, it was clear that Fredericksburg took place among people’s homes – some of which were still standing. I saw a few bullet holes as reminders in one of them. In the background was the mansion that was commandeered by the Confederate army as their impromptu headquarters. There was something in the atmosphere here that helped evoke the total war so connected with the Civil War. I could imagine myself in the midst of it in a much stronger sense than I could at Manassas.

On our way to our hotel (a Day’s Inn in Mint Springs that was like the Hilton compared to the Scottish Inn) we drove through a scenic byway that led us past the sites of the Battle of Charlottesville, Spotsylvania and the Wilderness – a telling panorama of the war’s impact on real people in this area.

From Laura: I didn't get to see much of this place as Kathleen needed to be fed, although I didn't mind too much as I have seen 5,000 other battlefields.  Okay, maybe I exaggerate slightly.  I have noticed that when a baby is hungry, the baby needs to eat now, or everyone around her will go deaf.  So, I got to sit on a bench for half an hour, and stare at a couple of trees and a stone wall. I seemed to be feeding the mosquitos at the same time.

82. MANASSAS & APPOMATTOX

Manassas & Appomattox, Virginia

9/3/2011

Patricia! This might be your most aggravating entry yet. Manassas and Appomattox are almost 150 miles apart. I understand the theme here (the beginning and the end of the Civil War) but in terms of using your book in a practical way, I’m not sure what you were thinking here. So, I reserved my right to only go to one of these totally distant places – in this case Manassas.

After the wedding we drove a half hour to the site of the two battles of Manassas (that’s Bull Run to you Yankees.) Interesting in a “this is where it happened and I’m standing here for some reason” way. We looked at the monkey and a giant statue of Stonewall Jackson.

From Laura: We've been seeing alot of Civil War battlefields lately.  Let's move on to other things.  But I would still rate them higher than some of our West Virginian events.  I can see why Virginia and West Virginia don't like each other.  They are definitely on opposite ends of the spectrum.  In WV you have women breastfeeding in public, and in the other state they have Montecello.  Also, my husband does get very distressed when he must choose between two places that are so far from each other that he must pick only one.  Stop doing that, Patricia.  When he suffers, I suffer.

81. SHENANDOAH VALLEY

Virginia

9/2/2011

We were invited to the wedding of one of Laura’s old college friend’s in Front Royal, Virginia. Would it be humanly possible to just go to the wedding and not transform it into a Schultz-infused three-day vacation? I think we all know the answer to that question.

For most of the trip we were technically within the Shenandoah Valley, but Front Royal is only a few minutes from the north entrance to the Shenandoah National Park. Everyone was very glad when we finally got there after I forced them to listen to The Red Badge of Courage 6-hour book on tape to get us in the mood for all those exciting Civil War battlefields we were going to see.

The Shenandoah National Park is one of the largest national parks, so naturally we saw very little of it. Apparently, we were in the bad section, since the park ranger guy kept recommending sites 40 and 50 miles away. Nonetheless, it’s a beautiful place. We picnicked on a nice overlook. (Does it count as a picnic if you are eating McDonald’s? By the way, someone had clearly had a McDonald’s picnic at some point before us, because there were the remains of a half-eaten hamburger on the ground. We saw a lot of bugs, but not one was on the burger.)

After our “picnic” the boys started playing and were unprepared for the subtle inclines to the countryside. They kept falling over and couldn’t quite figure out why. They thought it was hilarious, anyway.

We spent the bulk of our time doing one of the easy hikes through the wilderness. Easy becomes a relative term when carting two toddlers and a baby, but we survived.

After our hike we checked into the Scottish Inn (What makes it Scottish? We don’t know) where Philip had fun throwing batteries into the toilet and I had fun fishing them out. Afterwards we met up with one of Laura’s friends who was also in town for the wedding. I tricked everyone into returning to the National Park because we paid $15 for a 7-day pass. We went to one of the overlooks as the sun was setting over the Shenandoah River.

Oh, Shenandoah! I longed to see you. Then I did.

That night we got up close and personal with the awfulness of the Scottish Inn. I tried to give Daniel and Philip a bath, but the bath wouldn’t fill. I improvised and managed to get rid of the Shenandoah dirt. Later, when I looked at their feet after walking on the hotel carpet their feet were completely black. They were much filthier than after a day in the woods. Very gross. Our room was also haunted. Several times in the middle of the night the TV randomly turned on. It seemed to have something to do with the air conditioning turning off, which makes a lot of sense.

The next morning we went to the wedding – a first for our kids. Philip, who is usually very scared around strangers, wouldn’t get off the dance floor at the reception. Right before we left the DJ made everyone dance the Virginia Reel, because we were in Virginia, obviously. I found that very exotic, but I got the impression some of the local people were slightly embarrassed. Funny how that is, isn’t it?

From Laura:
Yes, listening to the Red Badge of Courage for six hours causes one to fall asleep. Oh, am I driving?  Oops.  I much preferred listening the Star Wars: Clone Wars cd.  Very funny, by the way, but I don't think it is meant to be.

Oh yes, the Shenandoah National Park was huge, and very pretty. The weather was cool, but not too cold.  We went on a 1.2 mile hike, and wanted to die after about 10 minutes.  Can I just mention that I haven't hiked much since having the baby?  It was, however, like all the other parks that we have visited. All the trees start looking the same after a while.  Plus, carrying Kathleen and sometimes Daniel at the same time was rather strenuous.  You did get the impression that you were out in the middle of nowhere.  I felt sorry for my friend whom we dragged back to the forrest.  We are very boring people, I know. 

The Scottish Inn?  The most horrible place in which we have stayed?  It was GROSS!!! I guess you get what you pay for.  I still think that every hotel room in the world should cost $30.  This drives my husband crazy.  Hotels are a rip off.  It is ridiculous that you should have to pay *more* for a comfortable bed with clean sheets and a bathroom with hot water. I don't think I'm asking too much.  Sorry.  And the tv kept coming on during the night, somehow linked to the air conditioning.  THAT was fun.

The wedding was great, although we ended up staying longer than planned, and it threw off our schedule.  And as you know, we have a very rigid schedule to follow.  So someone was champing at the bit to leave as soon as possible.  "We are still at the ceremony, dear. The reception hasn't even started." 

Oh, and getting up the following morning at 7am?  NOT HAPPENING.