99. THE GREAT SMOKY MOUNTAINS

Tennessee and North Carolina

12/20/2011

Our final stop on our way home took us briefly into North Carolina to the entrance of the Smoky Mountains. Highway 441 ensures a safe drive all the way through the imposing mountain range.

I never quite understood the name before, but now that I’ve seen them with my own eyes I get it now. Natural vapor released from the trees truly creates a mist that looks like smoke. At one point the “smoke” got so thick as we rose through the mountains we couldn’t see a car just a few feet ahead of us. We stopped along the road along the way and when we got out of the car we noticed an odor we couldn’t place. It had a slight sulphur tinge. This only added to the strangeness of the environment.

We traveled the entire route from one side of the range to the exit in Gatlingburg, Tennessee. All along we were unnerved by the eeriness of these strange mountains – the mist and the smell and the dark, unforgiving rocks. All nature is beautiful, and the Smoky Mountains are no exception – but there is something mysterious about these mountains that even the comfortable highway couldn’t cut through.

98. THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL

Georgia to Maine

12/20/2011

The Appalachian Trail is probably Patricia’s broadest entry, since it runs over 2,000 miles from Georgia to Maine. She includes the entry in Georgia – the beginning of the trail – so it seemed an appropriate place to dip in. No doubt we’ll be in and out of the trail other times in the future.

Right outside of Helen is the Chattahoochee National Forest – considered the entrance to the Appalachian Trail. After spending the night in a very nice Rodeway Inn in Helen (in Bavarian style, of course) we drove 15 minutes north into the forest. The specific landmark we made the object of our quest was Anna Ruby Falls – a majestic waterfall hidden in the middle of the unspoiled woods.

It’s not completely unspoiled, I suppose, as a handicap accessible ramp has been installed. Reaching the falls still requires a hike of a mile round-trip. Not too strenuous probably if you’re not trying to drag three little kids with you.

We can now all say with pride we hiked a little bit of the Appalachian Trail. Even Daniel.

97. HELEN

Helen, Georgia

12/19/2011

Twenty minutes from Dahlonega is another gold-dried town and the polar opposite. This city of 500 people unashamedly panders to tourists in an outrageously tacky way. Yet, somehow it works. It really shouldn’t, but it does.

In 1969 the citizens of this dying town decided to completely rebuild their community to resemble a nineteenth-century Bavarian village. Strict zoning codes force even powerful franchises to comply. (One of the most ornate buildings in town is the Huddle House.) As we pulled into town we were faced with a perfectly manicured gingerbread house village – the fact it was only a few days before Christmas only amplified the illusion.

The people at the visitor’s center were very friendly, but they said they couldn’t recommend anywhere specific for dinner because we might be mystery shoppers. Little did they know that all both of our readers base their dining decisions on this blog.

Keeping in line with the shtick we thought a German restaurant would be apropos… I mean, angemessen. There were only two that serve dinner, and we randomly picked the Old Heidelberg – a real disappointment. (Patricia gives no dining suggestions, so we can’t blame her.) We got a sampler of their sausages which were all clearly frozen and reheated. And there was no doubt that Bratwurst was a grocery store hotdog. The German noodles were prepackaged and inconsistently cooked. The icing on the strudel was the bathroom. The men’s room floor was so sticky I had trouble walking on it. The door facing into the dining area wouldn’t close all the way, while the “door” in the actual stall was a piece of unfinished wood quickly hobbled together to replace the original. It didn’t quite fit and was latched by a makeshift metal hook.

Restaurants like this probably survive because they rely on ignorant tourists who make the same uneducated assumption we did – a town modeled after a German village would have great German food. The dissatisfied tourist moves on, but a new one replaces him and makes the same mistake. The restaurant continues on with no need to build up a good reputation with locals. A shame really, and the only dark spot on an excellent evening.

We spent the rest of the night wandering the cobbled streets, peeking in plenty of fudge hauses (How do they compete with each other? Who cares! More free samples!), and little shops pushing vaguely-German kitsch made in China. The best places were the craftsman shops where men were carving wooden toys and blew glass as we watched. The kids were hypnotized by the latter.

Is this place tacky? Yes. Thinking back rationally and rereading what I’m writing it sounds like a terrible place on paper. Yet Laura and I both agree (and we rarely do) that this is one of the best places we’ve ever visited. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

96. DAHLONEGA

Dahlonega, Georgia

12/19/2011

“Dahlonega” is Cherokee for “precious yellow” and the town was the site of America’s first gold rush – some 20 years before the “precious yellow” would be discovered in California. The gold deposits dried up, but the town is still here as a reminder of their place as a footnote in American history.

The workers at the Lumpkin County Court House-turned-gold museum seemed especially good humored about hanging on to the not famous gold rush and their unpronounceable town name. Being “not famous” famous has its perks. The town square seemed upscale, unspoiled, and a genuinely nice place to live. The people seem proud of their unique heritage – certainly a large percentage must be the descendants of those wannabe failed prospectors who never got rich, but built a town instead. They’re happy to share their story with tourists, but they’re not going to pander to us.

95. STONE MOUNTAIN

Stone Mountain, Georgia

12/19/2011

Aren’t all mountains stone? Never mind. This particular mountain is an 825-foot high chunk of granite only 5-miles at its base. Apparently this odd protuberance has been a tourist stop-off since the 1820s. Today, a whole industry has built around it and now the mountain is surrounded by an amusement park with your typical amusement park jazz.

We had no interest in the park – we just wanted to see the mountain. Well, I wanted to. Laura couldn’t have cared less. We still had to pay $10 for the pleasure in an architecturally devious parking lot designed in such a way that you can’t see a colossal mountain without parking there.

The side of the mountain is scarred by the largest bas-relief sculpture in the world. It shows Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson riding forever into battle. It was designed by the Mount Rushmore guy in his younger days.

In the 1910s the Ku Klux Klan was revived beneath this mountain. Now people ride inner tubes down tracks of artificial snow. The South is complicated.

94. SWEET AUBURN AND MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. HISTORIC DISTRICT

Atlanta, Georgia

12/19/2011

We spent the night in a Savannah Suites about a block or so from the birthplace of Martin Luther King. Tragically, it looked to be one of the worst parts of town. Groups of homeless people lay about in the streets with shopping carts full of possessions scattered about. Outside the hotel a man came up the security officer who was checking me in. (Yes. The security officer checks you in here.) The officer made the man clear off and then explained to me that he was a “regular” who wasn’t allowed on the premises. I got the impression this explanation was supposed to make me feel better.

The hotel was actually very nice inside, but this was the first time my cheapness made me feel concerned for my family’s safety. If I could do it over again, I would have spent a few more bucks.

After surviving the night we drove over to the Martin Luther King Historic District. Run by the National Park Service, it is a series of free buildings dedicated to and associated with the King legacy. His birth home and The Ebenezer Church where he preached still stand here.

The centerpiece is the Martin Luther King Jr. Center for Nonviolent Social Change. As arguably the most-honored non-statesman in American history I was surprised that the official King Center was so sparse. Essentially three rooms – dedicated to King, Gandhi, and Rosa Parks respectfully – the displays are basically placards with text and black-and-white photographs readily available in any book on the Civil Rights movement.

Dr. King was an incredible man who takes up a unique role in the history of the United States and the world. He’s certainly one of the most important people of the twentieth century. Millions have been affected by his words and deeds and there is a continuous dialogue on his highly documented life and legacy. I mean no disrespect to the King Center of the memory of the man himself. In fact, I mean the opposite. If someone walked in here and knew nothing of Martin Luther King they would walk away still uncertain. Those who already know a lot about the man will get nothing new. The King Center has an opportunity – perhaps an obligation – to present the passion of the man they seek to represent.

One strong point is on display: King’s funeral wagon. The television audience who watched the largest non-presidential funeral in American history may not have seen that the man himself was carried to his resting place in a rickety, wooden wagon. This is the humble spirit of Martin Luther King to me. More of this, please.

93. THE GEORGIA AQUARIUM AND DOWNTOWN DRAWS

Atlanta, Georgia

12/18/2011

The Georgia Aquarium is the world’s largest and the pet project of Bernard Marcus, the founder of Atlanta-based Home Depot. We’re used to these kinds of places being non-profit or government run, so it was a little strange being routinely reminded of the awesomeness of Home Depot (the facility’s mascot is a cartoon clownfish named Deepo), but it’s his money and I suppose Marcus can do what he likes with it.

Naturally, the kids loved everything. Kathleen was riveted. The boys especially liked the moving walkway that slowly moved them under a transparent tunnel filled with hundreds of species.

After we had seen all the live exhibits we were suckered into the 3D movie. We were the only people at that particular viewing, which was probably a good thing. This was the first time any of the kids had been in a movie theatre and we weren’t sure how they would behave. Incidentally, Laura and I have never seen a 3D movie – even though they’re the hip thing now.

The movie was only 15 minutes and the sort of thing where they spray water at you and shoot bursts of air at appropriate times. Philip was terrified out of his mind, but Daniel couldn’t stop talking about it afterwards.

92. ATLANTA’S GREAT NEIGHBORHOOD RESTAURANTS

Atlanta, Georgia

12/18/2011

Mary Mac’s Tea Room is an icon of Georgian downhome cooking – the name is supposed to add a touch of class. It doesn’t need it. Although a tad pricey the atmosphere, service, and quality of the food meant we didn’t much care.

Terry, our waiter, was terrific. When he found out we were first timers he brought us two cups of Likker soup on the house. (What was it? A broth with turnip greens you crumble corn bread into. It sort of reminded me a little of matzo ball soup – except with ham.) Terry was great with the kids too. When Philip threw his kid menu crayons on the floor Terry picked them up, stared Philip down, and took the crayons away. Philip never made a peep. How amazingly refreshing. It’s easy to say no to your own kids, but people are always afraid to say it to someone else’s. Way to go, Terry!

We loaded up on the most stereotypically southern meals we could – meatloaf, collard greens, tomato and squash pies, peach cobbler and peanut butter pie. Oh, and of course, fried green tomatoes.

We had a lot of leftovers and we could barely move afterwards, but it was worth it.

91. MIDTOWN ATLANTA

Atlanta, Georgia

12/18/2011

I learned at the museum that General Sherman’s base before his march to burn Atlanta was at Chattanooga. We took the same route, but with much friendlier intentions.

Our stop in midtown (Patricia calls it the cultural center of Atlanta) was the Margaret Mitchell House and Museum – it is here the Gone with the Wind author began her masterpiece.

Laura read the book years ago and I finally got around to it this summer. I didn’t expect to like it – but frankly, my dear – it might be the best book I’ve ever read. Nonetheless, we braced ourselves for the obligatory house tour. These “houses of the rich and famous” tours rarely do much for us, regardless of our interest in the person.

Our tour guide was very knowledgeable and friendly, although it was slightly awkward since we were the only people on the tour at the time. The tour consists of two room of “the dump” as Mitchell herself called it, filled with replica furniture. Nothing in the house is original. Don’t get Laura started on her feelings on this.

(Confession time, Patricia. You claim Mitchell’s original typewriter and her Pulitzer Prize are on display here, but her the tour guide said her husband donated these items to a library and they were never in the museum. Did you really visit here? Come on. We’ve been through a lot together. You can tell us the truth.)

The one thing worth seeing for any film buff is the actual door of the Tara movie set. Daniel ran up to it and started banging on it. Yes. My son nearly destroyed the most famous movie set in Hollywood history. We’re all so proud.

Bravo to the marketing department, by the way. Cheapskate that I am it was hard resisting buying the bottled water they labeled “I’ll never be thirsty again!”

90. CHICKAMAUGA AND CHATTANOOGA NATIONAL MILITARY PARK

Fort Oglethorpe, Georgia, and Chattanooga, Tennessee

12/18/2011

We spent the night in a Days Inn in Chattanooga. The hotel was fine, but I accidentally ordered a room with just one double bed. With nowhere for Daniel to sleep we put him in the tiny bed with us and spent most of the night getting kicked in the face. Ah, memories!

We skipped the continental breakfast (just dry cereal without milk) and headed to Mass at St. Gerard’s in nearby Fort Oglethorpe – a small and simple, beautiful parish. Laura and I both admitted afterwards that we were both thinking, “Why are the readers putting on those silly Southern accents?”

Literally less than a minute down the street from the church is the Chickamauga and Chattanooga National Military Park, which is most notable for being the nation’s first military park. The layout became the format for all the other Civil War battle sites. Laura, meet your Professor Moriarty!

I enjoyed the driving tour and learning about the lesser-known Civil War battle in the museum. Laura took a nap in the car. Daniel was Daniel.

89. CHATTANOOGA & ROCK CITY

Chattanooga, Tennessee, and Rock City, Georgia

12/17/2011

Rock City is aptly named for its spectacular rock formations, which reach their peak at Lookout Mountain. Miles outside of town we started seeing plain, black billboards with the words SEE ROCK CITY in white, boring-looking capital letters. It’s strangely good marketing.

(Speaking of billboards, we often see strange ones on our travels. Our favorite for this region was for Farmer and Fox, attorneys at law. If Beatrix Potter needs a lawyer, she’ll know who to call. Oh, and guys – you can’t all be the world’s largest fireworks store.)

We finally reached Lookout Mountain around 7pm. Usually it closes at dusk, but they decorate with lights for Christmas and stay open late this time of year. We expected Lookout Mountain to be similar to a state park, but it’s a highly organized tourist facility. It was extremely crowded and we had to stand in line for a long time. Since this was the Saturday night before Christmas this shouldn’t have been too surprising. Like all good mommies, Laura was so concerned over making sure the kids had everything they needed for the trip (aka “The Flight into Egypt”) she forgot her own coat. Of course, there were plenty of kiosks more than willing to sell her one.

Despite the crowds, by overhearing conversations it seemed most of the people were locals. A guy behind us in line was desperately trying to impress a girl on their first date. I accidentally ran over the foot of the ticket-taker with the stroller (aka “The Hummer”), but he was good-humored about it. He said he was hoping to get hurt so he could go home early. Even though we were swimming in a sea of people the atmosphere was nice and comfortable.

Once we got our tickets we were led along a walkway, passing the rock formations illuminated by Christmas lights. It was tough getting through with the kids. One of the passages – “Fat Man’s Squeeze” – was apparently named after me. Not for the claustrophobic.

At the top of the mountain is the piece de resistance where you can see seven states at once. Even in the dark it is an incredible view. Philip was amazed. He kept pointing into the distance exclaiming “Oooh!” There’s also a 90-foot high waterfall we stood at the top of. I’m not afraid of heights, but Philip’s fearlessness near the edge made me tighten my grip on him. He was never in any real danger, but when I think about the possibilities it makes my skin crawl even as I type this sentence.

Along the way there were brief stopping points – some of them kind of odd. (“Oh man! I’m halfway up this mountain now. If only I had some kettle corn.”) At one stop a brass band was playing Christmas carols, with kid volunteers chosen to “guest conduct.” Elves and gnomes were placed within crystal caverns and a vaguely human-shaped rock formation was dressed up as a snowman. (Daniel found this particularly funny.)

I must make note of the Nativity scene about halfway through the walk. The display was one of the humbler ones, but it was accompanied by a recorded narration declaring Jesus Christ as the most important man who ever lived. Non-aggressive, but self-confident, I think it would cause anyone to pause in the middle of all the gingerbread houses and Santas.

By far the kids’ favorite display was a representation of fairy tale and nursery rhyme characters. I sometimes forget how quickly they’re growing up and how more active their imaginations are now. They recognized many of the characters from their story books and were excited to see them “come to life.” I do have to talk to Daniel about women though. In “fairy tale land” there was a “mommy” and “baby” pig family. Since he saw them, Daniel has started pointing at Laura screaming, “Oink! Oink! Mommy! Oink! Oink! Mommy!”

If I were a real fuddy-duddy I would say all this “noise” somewhat distracted from the natural beauty of the mountain. However, like I said, most of the visitors seemed to be locals and the Christmas lights is probably a nice tradition to remind them of the landmark they – like all people who lived near anything precious – sometimes forget about.

88. MUSEUM OF APPALACHIA

Norris, Tennessee

12/17/2011

This Christmas we decided it was time to go south for the winter – with Atlanta as our main objective. To get in the southern spirit instead of saying things I tried to do declare them. I do declare I tried it once before Laura murdered me.

During our six-hour drive that first day we passed by a lot of our old haunts – Cincinnati, London, the Kentucky Horse Farm, Berea… We feel like we’re becoming fairly well versed in our local area, but it was nice to cross the border into Tennessee and some truly unexplored territory.

The Museum of Appalachia is the largest site in the world dedicated to Appalachian culture. I expected my stereotypes to be challenged, but what we got were streets and streets of wooden shacks, painstakingly moved log by log and then rebuilt so they can fall apart here instead of wherever they originally came from.

The oddest in the collection was the log cabin of Mark Twain’s parents. America’s most famous wit never lived there, but we are promised he was conceived there. Chalk up “the conception of Mark Twain” as one historical event I never even wanted to think about.

Laura and I had a heated argument over whether a building that has been disassembled, moved, and then rebuilt somewhere else was in actuality really still the same building. Laura says no, I say yes, but the kids didn’t comment. They spent most of their time chasing the wild peacocks that roamed the complex.

Despite my flippancy it was hard not to be intrigued by the whole concept. One building that struck me was a Port-a-potty sized shack in which its occupant willingly and happily lived in until his death until 1989. If one stereotype was addressed, it was definitely the idea that “Appalachian life” exclusively belongs to bygone days. Another interesting exhibit featured the work of an itinerant preacher who travelled the country leaving behind giant stone carvings featuring his evangelical message.

The museum is basically a love letter from one man (founder John Rice Irwin) to a way of life he saw dying around him. Most of the displays are labeled with his handwritten notes, peppered with his personal anecdotes. Although we thought the price was a bit steep for entry ($14 a person), I have to respect one man’s passion to preserve something he clearly cared deeply about.

On the way out of the parking lot Laura got herself into her very first fender bender. She backed into someone’s truck. There was no one around, so she went into the visitor center and left our information. There was no damage to the other vehicle, but we wanted to be honest. These are the kinds of “fun” experiences family vacations are all about.

87. THE LAND OF COLONEL SANDERS

London, Kentucky

9/24/2011

Ok, Patricia. Laura and I voted and we don’t think you really came here. This is one of your most whacked-out entries. Even though the entry is entitled “The Land of Colonel Sanders” the content is all about the World Chicken Festival which you make sound ludicrously awesome. Even Laura was excited about going here because it wasn’t a Civil War battlefield for once. The whole idea is that since Colonel Sanders started Kentucky Fried Chicken sort of close by a festival to all things wonderful about the chicken would be apropos. Except that isn’t what it is at all. It’s one blocked off street with all your typical temporary tattoo dream catcher garbage. The only things chicken-related are the world’s largest skillet (which looks more unimpressive than it even sounds) and a guy walking around dressed like Colonel Sanders. A major disappointment. Someone with the slightest imagination could turn this into the kooky event that was promised. I always try to find something good to say about everywhere we go, but this was a complete waste of time.

Before we headed home we tried to salvage things a little bit by driving over to nearby Corbin, the location of the original and still operating Kentucky Fried Chicken. Basically, it’s a Kentucky Fried Chicken like any other, but with a nice and simple museum inside. Bizarrely, this was more interesting than the festival. The food was just like every other Kentucky Fried Chicken, except now that I think about it all the other Kentucky Fried Chickens are really like this one. I think I just blew my fast-food fuelled brain. I was on “don’t let the bad men steal our children” duty, so Laura ordered the food and she says the service was really bad – so somewhere the Colonel is crying extra crispy tears.

After our arteries were sufficiently clogged I took Daniel and Philip to look at the museum, while Laura fed Kathleen. Colonel Sanders’ original kitchen still stands and is protected by Plexiglas – a substance Daniel and Philip thought was for banging on as loudly as possible. Philip also managed to stick his hand in between two slats of glass in an attempt to grab a display. I stopped him just in time to see Daniel run off towards a set of antique coffee cups. I stopped him too, but he later managed to open another display case of artifacts. Rather than killing our children at a historic landmark we decided now was the best time to leave. Once outside Daniel picked up a stone and threw it at the window! He missed. Despite our best efforts, the original Kentucky Fried Chicken still stands for future generations to enjoy.

From Laura: The festival was an epic failure.  I was prepared to be entertained, but was not.  Apparently all the ‘good stuff’ took place on Friday [like who would take a day off to attend this thing?], so we got to see the endless booths filled with ugly purses, clothes made in China, cheap jewelry, fair food, insurance/bank/health care recruiters and don’t forget the freshly squeezed lemonade!!  That was about it.  There wasn’t much Kentucky flavor there, either.  Everyone seemed pretty uncaring about the place, if you ask me.  And the skillet?  FYI, it doesn’t look like a skillet.  It was more like a swimming pool full of bubbling oil.  They could have at least put a handle on it.

I actually enjoyed the KFC museum more than the festival, and I think it was because the museum also had a restaurant.  But now that I think about it, I am more than a little irritated that we drove a total of 8 hours to eat at a KFC, while there is one about a block from our house.   Anyway, I would give the service about a C.  You think it would have been better with all the tourists who visit that place.  Because we did not get our biscuits that came with the meal [mistake #1], I had to stand in line for another 20 minutes [mistake #2].  Can I mention that this is supposed to be fast food?  Once I finally got to the front counter, the teenage girls, combined with the I-hate-my-life-because-I-work-here attitude and the seven layers of makeup, decided to completely ignore my presence at the counter [mistake #3].  After another five minutes of standing there, a girl from the back finally came up and asked me what I needed.  They seemed startled when I screamed at them.  Hey, I used to work fast food so I have sympathy for drones, but I can’t just go back there and get the biscuits myself.  Oh well.   Let’s get back in the car and listen to Elmo for another four hours.

86. CUMBERLAND GAP & DANIEL BOONE COUNTRY

Kentucky

9/24/2011

Right outside of London is the massively huge Daniel Boone National Forest. You have to pass through it to get there, so I was able to trick Laura to get off the highway so we could take the more scenic route through the forest. She was on to me and wouldn’t stop to look at the trees since we could see the trees from inside the car. I kept begging and eventually she stopped and took my picture so I would stop crying. “Look at the monkey and move on!” she yelled. “I’ve seen trees before.”

From Laura: I know what trees look like.    Not that I don’t like forests, but they all look alike with the same trees, water, hills, leaves, dirt and bugs or some variation of the twelve. We can appreciate the scenery from inside the car.   And why do we need to take a picture of the trees?  No one will know if we go in our backyard, take a picture of some trees, and claim they were from this forest.  Let’s do that.  You are driving me insane!!  I am not stopping for a tree.  I want to go the festival now, because I am hungry!!!

RETURN TRIP - BEREA

Berea, Kentucky
 
9/24/2011
 

This week marked my 30^th birthday, and like all people who feel their youth flitting away there is only one solution – go the World Chicken Festival in London, Kentucky.

It’s a four-hour trip from Columbus, so we couldn’t make it all the way without stopping due to Kathleen’s feeding schedule. When it was time for her bottle we pulled off the highway and found we were in Berea – which we had visited last year. We thought we were just stopping at a boring old rest stop, but it was actually the Patricia-recommended Kentucky Artisan Center. Some sort of Super-Schultzian force must have led us here. It’s filled with artsy displays, because we were in Berea and Bereans like to get their art on. 

From Laura: This was a nice place to take a break.  I rate a food place by the level of care and attention that they give to pregnant ladies and babies. I also rate these places by the comfort of their chairs.  These people were exceptionally nice to give me a cup of hot water and the benches were really comfortable with lots of natural light.  I really had to use the restroom, but by the time Kathleen had finished about 10,000 women showed up and headed straight for the bathroom.  Why do women need an hour and a half to powder their noses, while men take approximately 2.5 seconds?

85. LEXINGTON

Lexington, Virginia

9/4/2011

Lexington, Virginia is the site of the Virginia Military Institute – sometimes referred to as the “West Point of the South.” Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee are among the famous instructors in a pedigree that stretches back to the Revolutionary era.

The architecture of the campus is very unique. The whole place is obviously designed to invoke a fortress, which is fitting. The school doesn’t seem to be a big tourist destination – bear in mind, it’s an active college – so we felt like we got to be vicarious about cadet life. Uniformed cadets were going to and fro to their duties. I gave Laura dispensation to stare with her tongue hanging out for our entire visit.

There is a VMI museum on campus that is free to the public, with a healthy dose of Stonewall Jackson memorabilia. The claim to fame is Jackson’s horse, stuffed and crammed into a glass case. Daniel was impressed by this.

(We couldn’t escape from Stonewall Jackson on this trip - from the site of where he got his nickname, the site of his death, his mother's house, etc. -  so I wrote a song to entertain my fellow passengers, to the tune of Frère Jacques. It goes something like this:

Stonewall Jackson!
Stonewall Jackson!
You are great!
You are great!
Everybody loves you!
Everybody loves you!
Let’s stuff your horse!
Stuff your horse!)

All in all, the VMI was a nice way to end our trip. As always, we much prefer these non-touristy spots that highlight a part of American life we might not experience on our own. How can you get to know America without meeting the American soldier?

From Laura: Yes, I think that any man--no matter how ugly or old-- is positively handsome in a military uniform. Yes my tongue was definitely hanging out.  You know, I was just appreciating the view.  Anyway, I liked the fortress look.  And the song?  It was entertaining for about 5.2 seconds.

84. STAUNTON

Staunton, Virginia

9/4/2011

Staunton, Virginia is pronounced STAN-ton. Our GPS knows this, yet it can’t pronounce Chicago correctly. It doesn’t know Staunton too well though, since it tried to drive us down one of those great country roads that just suddenly ends in overgrown vegetation. Daniel found it exciting as Mommy tried to back-up out of this non-road without running into out of control tree branches and back to society.

We went to Mass at St. Francis of Assisi, which gave us a chance to take a peek at the historic district of town. The priest there seemed like a funny guy, which helped us try to ignore the sweltering heat. (What do you expect in a hundred and twenty year old building?) We sat in the cry room and every few minutes teenagers and old ladies would try to come in, would look annoyed that we were in there, and then scurry back downstairs.

After Mass we headed to the Woodrow Wilson Birthplace, Museum and Library. Both Laura and I agreed on this one: what a rip-off! It costs $14 a person ($12 with AAA) for a 35-minute tour of the birthplace, which consists of two rooms and the kitchen in the basement. While there we discovered that Wilson’s parents only lived in the house for about two years and Wilson himself until he was 15-months old. Although we appreciate that Wilson was born there, his connection to the house was so slight it seemed a bit pricey for the pleasure of seeing it. We thought we’d be vindicated by the library. What we got was a mall room with a small selection of recent books about Wilson and things like those “all the presidents” tablemats.

We don’t want to be overly negative, since we know these places need to charge money for the upkeep of these historic sites. However, in this case, we feel like a large amount of advantage has been taken of Staunton’s brief connection to one of the most famous American presidents.

From Laura: Okay, I would like a minute to rant about this place.  I spent $24.00 to view a house [oh just the first floor] in which Woodrow Wilson spent the first 15 MONTHS of his life, and see a library full of expensive books about Woodrow Wilson, that I can buy on ebay for $2.37.  I remember nothing about him, so I was fully prepared to receive a homily on the great Woodrow Wilson.  Instead, I learned about his parents, grandparents, and their chinaware.  Although, now that I think about it, I did like the pattern on the plates.  And the fake food looked pretty yummy.  Maybe I was just hungry for McDonalds. All the children behaved well during the tour, with the exception of Daniel trying to sit in one of the antique chairs. Oh, and why did he think the name Woodrow Wilson sound more important than Thomas Woodrow Wilson?

83. FREDERICKSBURG

Fredericksburg, Virginia

9/3/2011

About 45 minutes from Manassas is Fredericksburg, a jumping off point for four of the most brutal battles in the Civil War. We stopped at the Battle of Fredericksburg & Spotsylvania State Park, which has a nice walking tour along the Sunken Road (a natural defense associated with the imagery of the Battle of Fredericksburg.) For some reason, I liked this a lot. While Manassas was just a flat field, it was clear that Fredericksburg took place among people’s homes – some of which were still standing. I saw a few bullet holes as reminders in one of them. In the background was the mansion that was commandeered by the Confederate army as their impromptu headquarters. There was something in the atmosphere here that helped evoke the total war so connected with the Civil War. I could imagine myself in the midst of it in a much stronger sense than I could at Manassas.

On our way to our hotel (a Day’s Inn in Mint Springs that was like the Hilton compared to the Scottish Inn) we drove through a scenic byway that led us past the sites of the Battle of Charlottesville, Spotsylvania and the Wilderness – a telling panorama of the war’s impact on real people in this area.

From Laura: I didn't get to see much of this place as Kathleen needed to be fed, although I didn't mind too much as I have seen 5,000 other battlefields.  Okay, maybe I exaggerate slightly.  I have noticed that when a baby is hungry, the baby needs to eat now, or everyone around her will go deaf.  So, I got to sit on a bench for half an hour, and stare at a couple of trees and a stone wall. I seemed to be feeding the mosquitos at the same time.

82. MANASSAS & APPOMATTOX

Manassas & Appomattox, Virginia

9/3/2011

Patricia! This might be your most aggravating entry yet. Manassas and Appomattox are almost 150 miles apart. I understand the theme here (the beginning and the end of the Civil War) but in terms of using your book in a practical way, I’m not sure what you were thinking here. So, I reserved my right to only go to one of these totally distant places – in this case Manassas.

After the wedding we drove a half hour to the site of the two battles of Manassas (that’s Bull Run to you Yankees.) Interesting in a “this is where it happened and I’m standing here for some reason” way. We looked at the monkey and a giant statue of Stonewall Jackson.

From Laura: We've been seeing alot of Civil War battlefields lately.  Let's move on to other things.  But I would still rate them higher than some of our West Virginian events.  I can see why Virginia and West Virginia don't like each other.  They are definitely on opposite ends of the spectrum.  In WV you have women breastfeeding in public, and in the other state they have Montecello.  Also, my husband does get very distressed when he must choose between two places that are so far from each other that he must pick only one.  Stop doing that, Patricia.  When he suffers, I suffer.

81. SHENANDOAH VALLEY

Virginia

9/2/2011

We were invited to the wedding of one of Laura’s old college friend’s in Front Royal, Virginia. Would it be humanly possible to just go to the wedding and not transform it into a Schultz-infused three-day vacation? I think we all know the answer to that question.

For most of the trip we were technically within the Shenandoah Valley, but Front Royal is only a few minutes from the north entrance to the Shenandoah National Park. Everyone was very glad when we finally got there after I forced them to listen to The Red Badge of Courage 6-hour book on tape to get us in the mood for all those exciting Civil War battlefields we were going to see.

The Shenandoah National Park is one of the largest national parks, so naturally we saw very little of it. Apparently, we were in the bad section, since the park ranger guy kept recommending sites 40 and 50 miles away. Nonetheless, it’s a beautiful place. We picnicked on a nice overlook. (Does it count as a picnic if you are eating McDonald’s? By the way, someone had clearly had a McDonald’s picnic at some point before us, because there were the remains of a half-eaten hamburger on the ground. We saw a lot of bugs, but not one was on the burger.)

After our “picnic” the boys started playing and were unprepared for the subtle inclines to the countryside. They kept falling over and couldn’t quite figure out why. They thought it was hilarious, anyway.

We spent the bulk of our time doing one of the easy hikes through the wilderness. Easy becomes a relative term when carting two toddlers and a baby, but we survived.

After our hike we checked into the Scottish Inn (What makes it Scottish? We don’t know) where Philip had fun throwing batteries into the toilet and I had fun fishing them out. Afterwards we met up with one of Laura’s friends who was also in town for the wedding. I tricked everyone into returning to the National Park because we paid $15 for a 7-day pass. We went to one of the overlooks as the sun was setting over the Shenandoah River.

Oh, Shenandoah! I longed to see you. Then I did.

That night we got up close and personal with the awfulness of the Scottish Inn. I tried to give Daniel and Philip a bath, but the bath wouldn’t fill. I improvised and managed to get rid of the Shenandoah dirt. Later, when I looked at their feet after walking on the hotel carpet their feet were completely black. They were much filthier than after a day in the woods. Very gross. Our room was also haunted. Several times in the middle of the night the TV randomly turned on. It seemed to have something to do with the air conditioning turning off, which makes a lot of sense.

The next morning we went to the wedding – a first for our kids. Philip, who is usually very scared around strangers, wouldn’t get off the dance floor at the reception. Right before we left the DJ made everyone dance the Virginia Reel, because we were in Virginia, obviously. I found that very exotic, but I got the impression some of the local people were slightly embarrassed. Funny how that is, isn’t it?

From Laura:
Yes, listening to the Red Badge of Courage for six hours causes one to fall asleep. Oh, am I driving?  Oops.  I much preferred listening the Star Wars: Clone Wars cd.  Very funny, by the way, but I don't think it is meant to be.

Oh yes, the Shenandoah National Park was huge, and very pretty. The weather was cool, but not too cold.  We went on a 1.2 mile hike, and wanted to die after about 10 minutes.  Can I just mention that I haven't hiked much since having the baby?  It was, however, like all the other parks that we have visited. All the trees start looking the same after a while.  Plus, carrying Kathleen and sometimes Daniel at the same time was rather strenuous.  You did get the impression that you were out in the middle of nowhere.  I felt sorry for my friend whom we dragged back to the forrest.  We are very boring people, I know. 

The Scottish Inn?  The most horrible place in which we have stayed?  It was GROSS!!! I guess you get what you pay for.  I still think that every hotel room in the world should cost $30.  This drives my husband crazy.  Hotels are a rip off.  It is ridiculous that you should have to pay *more* for a comfortable bed with clean sheets and a bathroom with hot water. I don't think I'm asking too much.  Sorry.  And the tv kept coming on during the night, somehow linked to the air conditioning.  THAT was fun.

The wedding was great, although we ended up staying longer than planned, and it threw off our schedule.  And as you know, we have a very rigid schedule to follow.  So someone was champing at the bit to leave as soon as possible.  "We are still at the ceremony, dear. The reception hasn't even started." 

Oh, and getting up the following morning at 7am?  NOT HAPPENING. 

RETURN TRIP - MARIETTA

Marietta, Ohio

8/13/2011

Three years married and three babies. Kathleen was born on July 23^rd, which means the annual Marietta rite of passage. We had a bit of a false start on our way. When we stopped for gas, Laura bought Daniel and Philip little bottles of juice. We weren’t far down the road when we heard Philip giggling hysterically. Glancing in the rear view mirror I saw Philip giving himself a shower in green, sticky high fructose corn syrup. Returning home briefly for a change of clothes and a wet towel we set out on our way yet again.

Our first stop was, naturally, the Barking Dog Book Store. The lady remembered us and kindly gave Daniel a lot of attention. She talked with him and read him a book on insects – his current favorite subject. (“Buggies!” he exclaims.) When we were finished she gave us a 20% discount and tried to sneak the buggies book into our bag for free. We told her that wasn’t necessary, but she insisted. Can anybody doubt that this is the most amazing bookstore in the world?

Afterwards, we walked up and down Front Street. We made sure to stop into the weird store with all the $300 baby dolls and the Tin Rabbit antique store. The crabby lady was there this time, so all is right with the world.

Daniel and Philip had a lot of fun playing on the riverfront. A couple of speedboats whizzed by to Daniel’s uninhibited glee, but both he and his brother were more interested in just exploring and climbing rocks.

Later, Philip had some good Mommy-time splashing in a fountain while I showed Kathleen the sites.

After working up an appetite we headed to Austyn’s, but they were completely booked, so we decided to go over to the Lafayette Hotel’s restaurant The Gun Room. The meal was fine, but it was no Austyn’s. It was nostalgic to be back in the Lafayette again though.

Later that evening one of Marietta’s many summer festivals was beginning. There was a horse-drawn carriage on the street, and although we didn’t go for a ride, the women driving it let the boys pet the horses. Philip was especially happy about this. (The name Philip means “lover of horses”, dontcha know?)

A bouncy castle had appeared by this point, and Daniel bounced on through. While I was watching him this lady came up and kept talking to me about all these stories she’d heard about kids breaking their necks on these things.

It was still light when we left so we traveled back on that covered bridge byway. This time we saw two. We think that’s a world’s record.

From Laura: As an anniversary gift, I got Oliver the revised edition of 1000 places. He spent a very long time studying the book and comparing the two.  Thank you, Patricia Schultz.  He is very proud of the book.  It has a special place in the house.  He worries more about that and his GPS than anything else....